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Worst Full House Episodes

by Emily Mackinnon
Dumb full house

Full House is one of the most beloved shows of all time, but even the most avid fans must confess that it had problems. Complete disregard for continuity, over-the-top life lessons and a fuckton of entitlement, to name just a few. But some episodes are so nonsensical and full of plot holes that they probably shouldn’t have seen the light of day. Here are the worst Full House episodes, chosen by a lifelong Full House fan.

Shape Up (AKA, the one where DJ had an eating disorder for 4 hours)

DJ is dismayed to find out that she has to attend a pool party, and declares that she won’t wear a bathing suit until she looks like the woman on the front of the pornographic magazine that she owns for some reason.

She pins more images of half-naked models on the refrigerator for inspiration. Rather than recognising this as a blatant cry for help, Aunt Becky gives DJ some tips on dieting. Then Uncle Jesse tells her she should come work out at Michelle’s gym. Neither of these grown-ass adults offer this child comfort about her negative self-image.

Stephanie discovers that DJ skipped lunch and gave her afternoon snack to the dog, and DJ makes her promise not to tell anyone.

The entire family head for the gym. While the dads pretend to take part in an aerobics class in order to stare at women in aggressively fluorescent spandex, DJ hauls ass on the exercise equipment. When she tries to stand afterwards, she practically passes out on the floor.

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Personally, nothing like this has ever happened to me, and my “lunch” usually consists of pouring more Mountain Dew into my failing corpse. Back at home, she tries to skip dinner and Stephanie decides she has to spill the tea about DJ’s secret. Danny follows DJ as she storms up to her room.

DJ goes through all her insecurities, and I can’t help but pity this teenage actress who had to roast herself on television.
Anyway, he tells her that he knows how it feels because he is so tall and thin. How brave of him, going through all that oppression for being tall and thin. Bless his cotton socks. Then he says a few more generic phrases such as “it’s what’s on the inside that counts!”. And just like that, her eating disorder is cured. I can’t believe the cure to eating disorders and body dysmorphia was right there all along. A two-minute talk with your dad and a hug.

I get what they were trying to do, but this does absolutely nothing to raise awareness of eating disorders and how serious they are. And making a 14-year-old put down her own appearance on television is pretty ironic.

Taking the plunge

Nelson invites Joey to a reception for The Queen (Yes the fucking queen of England), as a date for his cousin who is coordinating the reception or something.

Inviting Joey to such an event is a great idea… If you hate the Queen. Nelson gives Joey a book on what to do when he meets her majesty, as though this will prevent him from fucking up. There’s this weird joke where the book is a gift to Nelson from the Queen, and she has written “PS, thanks for the loan” inside. As a rule, each Full House character has 1 personality trait that defines everything they do, and Nelsons’ is that he is rich.

Joey makes an ass of himself in front of his date, which surprised nobody. He lines up to meet the Queen (who obviously looks nothing like Elizabeth) after harassing a palace guard. After pulling off her glove and making an ass of himself, he forgets to take a picture for Michelle. So he reaches into his jacket and yells out “Nobody move, I just wanna get one shot!” which obviously gets him arrested immediately. It would have been more enjoyable if they’d at least tased him or something.

A house divided

This episode is supposed to showcase all the problems that come when you shove 9 self-absorbed people into a house together. The girls and Joey fight over the bathroom (even though I can recall at least 4 bathrooms in that house), Michelle keeps annoying Stephanie, the twins are stuck playing in the attic, etc. Then some rich dude who grew up in the Full House comes over and offers to buy it for far more than it’s worth. Jesse, Becky and Joey have the sudden realisation that they are free from the curse of the Full House. They can get their own homes, like regular people. Finally! They’ve seen the light.

Oh, wait. I forgot that this house is ruled by a seven-year-old demon. And she does not want her army of adoring followers to leave, so she thinks up a plot to make them stay. Who cares if her cousins have to grow up in an attic? Who cares if Joey mooches off Danny until he finds a wife to mooch off instead? Michelle wants them to stay. After a series of elaborate set-ups to make the house look shitty, which no child could perform alone, the family ask Michelle what her problem is.

She explains that she wants them all to stay together and be a big happy family (even though the premise of this episode was that they can’t live together happily, remember?). Everybody thanks Michelle for manipulating them into staying cramped within these cursed walls for the rest of their lives, and they all hug. I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Crushed

Danny manages to get pop star Tommy Page to attend Stephanie’s 10th birthday party. Tommy serenades Stephanie and then asks DJ to show him around San Francisco the next day. Keep in mind that DJ was 14 or 15, and Tommy is an adult. Before leaving, he kisses Stephanie right on the mouth. Are you seeing a theme here?

Later, while Stephanie makes wedding invitations for herself and Tommy, he brings DJ back. And kisses her on the mouth. What the heck?

Anyway, DJ and Stephanie have a fight because Steph thinks DJ stole her man, and vice versa. Both declare that they love Tommy, and then Tommy interrupts and reassures them that he’d like to be just friends with both of them. None of the dads seem to find this odd. And what did he expect two kids to think when he took them on dates and kissed them on the lips?

Super Bowl Fun Day

Joey is reminded on the day of the Super Bowl he promised to take Michelle’s science club to the museum that day. If he was such a big fan, wouldn’t he know not to schedule anything for Super Bowl Sunday? Why did none of the other parents apparently realise either? Since when does Michelle have a science club? I have so many questions, but my main one is, why is Joey still living here again?

Anyway, he tries to worm out of this responsibility by suggesting that the kids stay home and watch the Super Bowl. When that doesn’t work, he takes them to some seedy bar where the game is playing. What a responsible adult. Of course, the kids quickly break the TV, so Joey invites all the seedy bar guys to the Full House to save his ass from getting beat. Not only does he ruin DJs college interview (which is taking place in the dining room for some reason), he ruins the day of a dozen or so kids.

Michelle rides again (Part 2)

This is the very last episode of Full House, and it’s pretty insufferable. Obviously, it revolves around Michelle. At the end of part one, we get to watch her fall off a horse. Now she’s been diagnosed with amnesia. The doctor seems to think this is a very minor, common problem that will soon resolve itself. I guess it is if you exist on a sitcom. Like everything else on this show, this problem will be solved in 22 minutes.

The family take Michelle home, hoping that familiar surroundings will bring back her memory.
The family try to jog her memory by showing her photos, telling her stories and giving her way too many hugs, which must be unsettling coming from a bunch of strangers.

Michelle goes to her room to sulk, and then one of the most horrifying moments of the show happens. The other Olsen twin appears as Michelle’s memory. They hug, and then there’s a sick overlay effect where they merge into one person.

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Michelle goes downstairs and seems really annoyed by her overjoyed family.
What a perfect, crappy way to end this shitshow.
Support your local parents

Becky expresses concern that the twins won’t socialise with other kids, and suggests they attend a support group for parents of twins. Jesse immediately denies that there is any problem because the best way to deal with your children’s problems is to deny that they exist. Becky has pretty good evidence that they need help, but Jesse ignores her feelings, as he always has.

The next week, when hosting playgroup, Jesse realises that the twins are clearly having problems. But, like all good parents, he prioritises being right over helping his kids.

He tries to trick Becky into thinking the twins are doing totally fine. Finally, he agrees to go to a support group, which is run by a really hippy guy who talks about auras. There have been multiple episodes of this show that seem to be trying their best to convince us that counselling is for crazy people.

Anyway, he tells Jesse and Becky to take the twins to separate activities so they don’t rely on each other all the time. So they do, once, and the problem is immediately resolved.

Too Little Richard too late

This one is up there as one of the most ridiculous episodes. It begins with Michelle being really pissed off that her art class is being cut, so the entire family immediately makes it their mission to save it.

Meanwhile, Jesse surprises DJ and Stephanie with Little Richard concert tickets. When his back is turned, the twins steal the tickets and cut them up. I can’t really feel bad for him because those kids are constantly unsupervised, and this house has at least four staircases. Also, why did they have scissors?

Danny and Joey are trying to decide on a celebrity guest for the fundraiser for the art program. Michelle’s friend Denise suggests her uncle, who happens to be picking her up that day, but everybody ignores her. Then Denise’s uncle arrives, and it’s Little Fucking Richard.

So Denise never mentioned this before? Before this very episode, where Little Richard is mentioned for the first and last time? When they just happen to need a celebrity guest? When he just happens to be picking her up?
Anyway, for some reason, he agrees to play at the fundraiser. That seems like something he should probably run by his manager.

Little Richard is late for the benefit, probably because he was shooting up outside. He sings one song and immediately stumbles off stage, which is more than Joey deserved anyway. And he was never mentioned again.
Our very first Christmas show.

The family get on a plane on Christmas Eve for a Tanner family reunion in Colorado, and for some reason, Jesse’s parents are there, even though they aren’t Tanners. And of course, Becky is there too, even though she and Jesse weren’t dating yet and she was just Danny’s coworker at this point. The family completely disregard the rest of the plane by singing loudly to Michelle, and then they find out they have to make an emergency landing due to heavy snowfall.

Rather than booking a nearby hotel, everybody on the plane sets up to stay in the airport terminal for the night. I’m pretty sure the airline is supposed to give them all hotel rooms for the night, but whatever, this is a sitcom. Danny finds out that the airline lost the bag of presents. Everybody is pretty miserable, so Jesse stands up and delivers the most insufferable speech to the entire terminal. It may be the cringiest moment on the entire show.

He says that Christmas isn’t about materialistic crap, it’s about being together, and then he contradicts himself about six times. For some reason, nobody tells him to shut the hell up and sit down. Then he forces everybody to sing Christmas carols.

When they wake up on Christmas morning, Jesse immediately wakes up everybody else in the terminal. It’s almost like he doesn’t have any regard for others or something.

Santa Claus appears, talks to Stephanie, and then disappears. She assumes it’s Joey in costume, but it’s not. Then the bag of lost presents appears. Even the adults look perplexed. So are we supposed to believe this is really Santa? Of course, in the Full House universe, Santa would talk to Stephanie and promptly leave, ignoring every other child in the terminal.

The play’s the thing

Joey and Jesse are directing Michelle’s school play and Stephanie is choreographing it, because of course, everything revolves around the Tanner family. Also, they didn’t have to pay extra actors. Michelle is determined to be Yankee Doodle because DJ and Stephanie both were at her age.

Her audition was bland and unimpressive, but Jesse and Joey basically guarantee her the role. Until this kid called Derek auditions and blows everybody the fuck away.

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This kid is brilliant. He may be the gayest presence to appear on television. He makes Queer Eye look like a bland hetero reality show. He’s charismatic, he’s talented, and he’s 1000 times better than Michelle. Even Michelle can see this, and she is pissed. I can see why she’s confused because she was raised in a family where you get your own way all the time. So Derek is Yankee Doodle and Michelle is the Statue of Liberty, which upsets her so much that she refuses to participate.

During the play, Derek panics and says he can’t perform. Michelle gives him some inspirational speech and he gets back on stage, but this time, he includes Michelle as his co-star. Because the moral of every episode is, you will always get what you want, even if it’s not for the greater good. Any ounce of selflessness will be rewarded.

Leap of faith

Joey gets Counting Crows concert tickets for DJ and Stephanie, who are both big Counting Crows fans, and they are pretty thrilled. Until Michelle hears that they had the audacity to want to do something without her. Despite not knowing who the Counting Crows are, she demands that she be allowed to go.

Danny comes to her defence and tells the girls that they have to draw straws to determine who should go. Of course, Stephanie draws the short straw, and DJ is now burdened with the responsibility of babysitting during a concert. After Danny leaves, Michelle pretty smugly confesses that she’s never heard of the Counting Crows. She shows no remorse at all for taking this opportunity from her sister, who actually wanted to go.
DJ and Stephanie know that regular solutions don’t fly in the Full House, and the only way to resolve problems is to concoct some elaborate plot.

So they successfully convince Michelle that she has a made-up disease so that she stays home. Of course, just as they are leaving, Michelle makes one last attempt to make them pity her. They are effectively manipulated and offer to take her to the show, but she says she wants Stephanie to go. Am I supposed to feel sorry for Michelle now or something?

Honey, I broke the house

Stephanie, an attention-starved bland middle child, tries desperately to get someone to play with her. After everybody else in the house has told her to piss off, she goes to find Joey. He’s too busy jerking off over the car he just bought, and then he abruptly walks off to buy some touch-up paint. Left alone, Stephanie pretends to drive Joey’s car and accidentally backs it through the kitchen wall.

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This isn’t the last time it happens either. In a later episode, DJ backs a cement mixer through the same wall, and the kitchen fills up with quick-drying cement. That must be thousands of dollars worth of damage, not to mention dangerous, and you’d think something like that would take a few weeks or months of repairs. But neither of these incidents were mentioned in the following episodes.

Joey’s funny valentine

A parrot flies into the house and they realise he belongs to some guy called Sid who runs an electronics store.
They find out that, upon returning him, they will be able to choose one thing from the electronics store as a reward. DJ wants a new TV and Stephanie wants a karaoke machine. Unsurprisingly, Danny tells Michelle that she can make the final decision and settle the debate. She goes to the store and comes back with… a cardboard cutout of Sid, the store owner. This is fucking unbelievable.

Why did Danny let her do that? What is the moral supposed to be here? It would make some sense to let her make the decision between a TV and a Karaoke machine, but he let her choose whatever she wanted, and of course, she chose the most nonsensical thing she could find. He apologised to the girls but said that it was Michelle’s choice.
DJ and Stephanie get over it pretty quickly, probably because they spent the last 7 years living under a tiny dictator.

Captain Video Pt 2

The Beach Boys allow Jesse to sing their song “Forever”, and now he has to make a music video of it. His label wants him to use a rap version of the song and do some elaborate dance, but he can’t dance for shit. The video they design for him is clearly supposed to be terrible, but to me, it doesn’t seem much worse than the rest of the show.

Jesse tells his label that he wants to do it his way, and they refuse. He lies and tells them he’s received a better offer from someone else, and they are immediately fooled by this and say they’ll do the music video however he wants.

At the end of the episode, they show the finished product, and it will make you want to fling yourself into traffic. It seems like it’s trying to be sexy and alluring, but it is filled with weird shots of his naked babies. Most of the clips repeat at some point. The creepiest is a clip of their feet.

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You pet it, you bought it

Michelle earns over $200 selling lemonade to construction workers, and Kimmy agrees to accompany her to the candy store. When they come home, Michelle announces that she bought a donkey instead from some shady guy on the street. She claims that he cost $221, which is the exact amount of money she had, and I wonder why Kimmy didn’t stop this kid getting tricked. Danny blames Jesse for encouraging her to spend money because blaming Michelle is out of the question.

The dads allow the donkey to stay the night and they’ll find a home for him tomorrow. He makes noise all night, keeping the family awake, and for some reason only shuts up when Jesse sings the theme from Three’s Company. The next day they donate him to the zoo, who apparently immediately accept any donated animals.

Please don’t touch the dinosaur

Jesse and Danny take Michelle’s class to the museum. They split into two groups, the educational group (Danny) and the fun chill group (Jesse). Michelle pisses off with Jesse, which makes Danny make an overly dramatic sad face. This is where Michelle learned her manipulation tactics.

Danny and Jesse compete with each other while the kids explore the museum. Michelle clutches the leg of a dinosaur skeleton (which really should have been behind some kind of fence or guard), causing it to fall over. You can actually hear the squeaking of styrofoam or cheap plastic as it falls.
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Jesse has to do 10 weeks of volunteer work at the museum to make up for the damage. I’m pretty sure dinosaur bones are worth millions of dollars. 10 weeks of volunteer work doesn’t seem to cut it, but whatever.
Back at home, Michelle blames Jesse for the whole incident. What a fucking asshole.

Beach Boy Bingo

The whole family are suddenly obsessed with the Beach Boys. It seems like every time they mention a celebrity or band for the first time, that band appears at their house. I wish I had that power.

As expected, the radio announces that there will be a contest to win the chance to hang out with the Beach Boys. And as expected, DJ wins, because nobody else exists in the Full House universe. But there are only 2 tickets and too many damn people in this house.

Everybody shamelessly kisses DJ’s ass so she’ll choose them to come with her. Eventually, she chooses Jesse, which makes sense because he’s the one who likes music. Everybody understands this except Danny. He makes this stupid sad face and then tries to make DJ feel guilty. What a fucking asshole. He can’t let his 10-year old enjoy something without guilt-tripping her? Her excitement for the event fades away because of his selfishness. She tells Danny that he can go with Jesse instead.

Now nobody wants to go because they don’t want to take the experience away from someone else. See what your bitchiness caused, Danny? Anyway, after a lot of arguing, the fucking Beach Boys show up at the door. They seem concerned by the family’s conundrum and decide to stick around for as long as it takes to decide. Don’t they have a concert to perform?

DJ still can’t make a decision, so the band huddles together and harmonizes a bit from Good Vibrations to come to a decision. That joke is far too cartoonish for a sitcom. Anyway, they decided to invite the entire family, because everybody gets their way in this universe. The family sing at their concert at night, which seems a little weird.

Getting to hang out with the band and attend the concert is one thing, but forcing a paying audience to watch some children sing is pretty ridiculous. And what is the moral here? Act like a selfish baby so that everybody gets their way?

My left and right foot

DJ, Kimmy and Stephanie tease Michelle about her large feet, causing her to become insecure about them. This is an absurd premise for an episode, but points for originality, I guess? She has a dream that her feet are humongous, and for some reason, she’s dressed like a clown. Her feet keep growing bigger and bigger until we get this disturbing image

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Then she wakes up and her feet are still huge. But it’s just one of those dream-inside-of-a-dream things that are always on TV, but never seem to happen in real life.

Anyway, Michelle wraps her feet in cling wrap and stands in ice water, convinced this will make her feet shrink. Danny comes in and tells her he knows what it’s like to feel weird because he’s so fucking tall. Then he tells her that her feet are beautiful and normal, and Michelle is instantly better because being beautiful and normal is all that’s important to her and her shallow family. This is pretty similar to the ending of the anorexia episode.

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