Let me preface this with something important: I have a lot of free time these days. I’m newly disabled – so that, in tandem with Covid quarantine, means that I spent many hours of 2020 lounging around with my phone in hand.
Thanks to this, I now consider myself a social media devotee.
You’ll find me on the blue app engaging in groups, sharing memes, talking about animals and how to better their well-being in various ways, as well as regularly posting screenshots of my strange encounters with men.
Disclaimer: these are 100% all my own images. They are real, candid exchanges from Facebook, all to which I will be affording the charity of some degree of anonymity. Identifying information has been stripped (gruellingly).
Here is a curated selection of some of the worst.
Is this Runescape NPC dialogue? It sounds like Runescape NPC dialogue.
I thought I’d kick this post off with one of the kookiest intro messages I’ve ever received. This one came minutes after accepting the friend request, and my reaction was kneejerk in nature. Sorry, not sorry.
Ew. Unsolicited nudes have never been cool.
I receive unbidden messages containing lewds or nudes at least once a week. Above is one of the first I decided to blast for the public jury in my album ‘men sending me gross and/or weird shit’ on Facebook. The response from friends and followers was phenomenally entertaining – just what the doctor ordered.
The man who shrunk down to ant size and hugged my big toe
Everything was fine until the cringeworthy asterisk roleplay started happening – unironically, too.
Let the record reflect that I have no distaste toward foot fetishists. However, the same cannot be said for those who are partial to unsolicited asterisk roleplay. Moving on.
Behold! An idiot has entered the chat.
This guy? He wasn’t even a friend – in fact, he was a follower. He commented beneath one of my public posts, affectionately calling me a hoe (Like, what? I don’t even look like a gardening tool). Then I found this in my message requests.
“Cringe” is the understatement of the year: a series ft. multiple men from the cesspool that is my inbox
Yes, ‘my bad’ is correct. Stop calling me. For the love of all things holy.
This cringelord deadass had a Pitbull stan account (which I surmise is supposed to make “hey naughty” at least a grade sexier, right?). I wish I were joking but alas, I must say;
Mr Worldwide. Dale.
If you’ve got to extort likes for your photos out of random people on the internet, as this poor soul above tried at, chances are you qualify as a dickhead. Congratulations, I guess.
Can you tell my patience – a delicate flower – is beginning to wither away at a rapid rate?
As a socially anxious hotdog, my question is, “how do they genuinely not feel like a nuisance in doing this?”
I’ll report back when I find out. It could be a while – put some popcorn on.
Consent is important. Truly.
Quick foreword: my bio on Facebook reads, in verbatim, “if you wave in my inbox, I’ll stand on your throat”
What can I say? I was really tired of the incessant “so and so is waving at you!” gimmick.
Old mate Jim here didn’t get the memo.
Wait, are you hungry or queasy? Make up your mind, boomer
Yikes, talk about mixed signals! I’m sorry I didn’t accept your friend request or something, or maybe it was one of those occasions on which I called your backwards ass out for racism and sexism. It’s usually down to those two.
Not even Animal Crossing is sacred anymore
I’ve gotta give brownie points for phrase creativity. Ha. “Economic relief.” Who even are you, dude?
Here’s my Paypal link. Money preferably.
Is this a mating call?
The sweaty beach photo was the dealbreaker. Next.
So far, I’ve been serving up entrées – prepare for your main course, lovely readers
Bear with me because I’m going to get serious for a second. Do you know what is absolutely not ok? It is so off-limits to make anyone feel violated in such a way as this. Moreover, the photos I have on Facebook are so innocuous it isn’t funny, but this guy made even those plain images of me smiling feel dirty. Crucially, you have the right to feel safe online. You have the right to the freedom of posting photos with friends, laughing and lapping up life and that’s without being sexualised.
So, in the spirit of equipping Melbourne girls, in particular, with the resources to tackle issues like this, consult this website: www.esafety.gov.au/women
This guy must have been cut from the same cloth as the last
Truthfully, this is the one that takes the cake for the most repulsive and violent exchange via messenger. I think keeping my feelings about it concise is a wise move, lest I relive the trauma of trying to fall asleep that night. Specifically, this one ate through my [usually] thick skin that day.
Whoops, wrong chat
“Sent wrong thing,” he said, forgetting he had interposed the question of my feelings toward “10-inch” dicks (lmao, you wish, honeybee) between that ominous “hey wyd” starter and the photo.
I mean… try harder. (No pun intended.)
Apparently, I have an ex-boyfriend I never knew about
I don’t know what this was supposed to achieve. Nevertheless, the second-hand embarrassment I incurred will be with me for life.
Why do these guys actually believe any of us are going to enthusiastically answer a video chat from somebody we don’t know?
Curt? Hearty? Well, these are fresh terms of endearment to me. I’ll give him one thing, though – I am Absolutely Dady.
Give me a break, yikes
I was tempted to paste in an ironic copypasta here about how Mary-Jane smoking isn’t a personality trait and it’s killing off the brain cells of the youth, but I think the more pressing question is why he’s still spelling sexy like that. As a matter of fact, didn’t we all drop “smexxiii omg!1! ” when Myspace obscured into obsolescence and everyone stopped pretending Blood on the Dancefloor were any good?
Now that we’ve all been subject to those photos, is it just me or does he look like he’s wearing orange prison scrubs in the 6th across?
Back when I had a boyfriend throughout 2020, this happened
Surely others cringe within when a guy makes strange remarks, peppered with “hehe” for a little pizzazz. Just me?
Apparently, I look like Niki Buckno
Niki, if you miraculously see this, I’m so sorry he compared me to your ethereal being. Also, you can watch Niki on the Girls Play YouTube channel – be sure to subscribe!
Why would I want this, Gary?
To point out, this was in message requests/spam. I don’t even remotely know the guy.
What happened to the 3 birds who crossed the road? This guy killed them.
When people figure out that I’m a loud animal enthusiast and passionate about welfare, in particular, they come to my inbox with about as much edge as a beauty blender. You tried, man, but all this really exposed was that you’re a belligerent sadist and ain’t nobody got time for that.
You’ll want to see the Google translation for this one
Fear not, I have you covered.
This guy wouldn’t know the definition of “discreet” if it whacked him in the face
No, sweetheart, there will be no next time. Swiftly blocked.
The poor man’s attempt at “negging”
“Bet they are all shithouse,” nek minnut, trying to call me. Sigh.
I want to take the time to address something for the girls, the gays and the theys out there – you absolutely do not owe any man your time or conversation. They may believe they are entitled to it, for whatever misguided reason, but stand your ground and remember that you govern your own life. If they can’t handle that your business does not revolve around replying to them within an arbitrary constraint, kick ’em to the kerb.
By the way, the memes were great.
These men are shamefully overstating their market value
Once again, this was in message requests. Why is it always the blokes who aren’t even on your friends’ list who glide by your profile and offer themselves up like they’re some sort of coveted gift?
Terminal diagnosis: couldn’t handle that I had a boyfriend
He apologizes, as though I’m somehow worse off without him trying to pressure me into conversation all day long.
Friends and followers had a good belly laugh about this one.
Apparently, I’m supposed to fly to Philadelphia from Australia, during a global pandemic, no less
If you think this one is cringe-worthy and ridiculous, wait for the next few I have for you.
One commenter aptly noted that this was likely a ruse; that he’d probably send me something pornographic of himself and profess that it was the video that might’ve been sent around. I was way ahead of them. This doesn’t work.
Straight up ignoring these people isn’t much of a deterrent, obviously.
I don’t think his assessment of me was fair, to be honest. To clarify, I had consistently told him not to call, as well as declined incoming calls before he pulled this card.
There was an attempt…
It just bothers me when anyone asks for information that is readily available on my profile.
This one is a real showstopper
I had every intention of going through with the transaction. I’ve done it before, it’s a lucrative industry, but this isn’t how it works.
The Joker is calling…
You’re probably wondering about the titular reference to The Joker. Let me explain: this guy had a badly edited, pixelated image of Joaquin Phoenix’s Joker as his profile picture, which added to the comedy of this exchange. This does not, however, detract from how forward and repulsive it all was.
I’ve saved one of my favourites until last, meet the man who thinks he’s a wolf
No response? -_- die.
Here’s what his bio looked like at the time of these messages. Don’t say I never spoil you all!
And, to bring this post to a crescendo:
I can’t work out why he didn’t respond?
Be safe out there, wear your masks and stay spooky, friends
PS. If you liked the raw content of this article, you’ll enjoy reading My Birth Story by Kayla. Do yourself a favour and go check it out!